My Favorite Libertarians

While the rest of mankind seems to have evolved to forks and knifes over 4 million odd years, I still eat my steak by tearing it up with my fingers. So it must come as no surprise that the libertarian party---the party of no government--- is the only one that makes any sense to me.

So while Democrats and Republicans with their respective love for large government and small government exist on a stalemate in Capitol Hill (and on all news networks except Fox, where GOP is the clear winner), I propose the “libertarian” party as the default party of the world.

Why then, you might ask, have the libertarians failed in a more than humiliating fashion the few times they have had representation in federal elections. For this, you need to understand the concept of political quagmires (and who better to learn it from than a specialist in quagmires, be it in real life or on the TV). The inherent dilemma of the libertarian party--- the party of individualism---is that they can’t have a leader. After all, when you say I am my own president, you can’t elect one (and Ralph Nader merely ensures that by representing them).

Anyway, I decided to defy the fundamental idea of libertarianism --- the shunning of a theoretical orthodoxy --- and do what I do best --- wax eloquent about a subset of very few people that are (un)fortunate enough to fall in my “favorites” list. Here’s my pitch for a libertarian party candidate in ’08…
Counting down:

5. Tucker Carlson

He calls himself a “paleo” conservative, but since I have always liked this bow-tie wearing sloppy-haired right-winger of Crossfire fame, I am going to let him run for the libertarians. Plus, with The Situation, he’s risen to a whole new level. While on Crossfire he was just another screeching conservative, on his own talk show he’s a surprisingly smart and tolerant analyst. And his libertarian views sure make it to the surface a whole lot better when he is not fulfilling duty as Bush’s infallible advocate----with dubya pushed to the back of his mind he apparently finds the time to do more useful things—like oppose affirmative action and push for life-enhancing drugs and smoking in public places. And if he can pick a running mate as well as he can pick talk show guests, he’s well on the road to victory (Max Kellerman and Rachel Maddow absolutely rock :))

Favorite Carlson quotes: On his new show, “Is it too good-natured? Is it not nasty enough? It’s just not unpleasant enough. It’s one of our major problems.”

On 9-11, “... The attacks initially made me sorry I voted for him….My family sat unprotected a few miles from the scene of a terrorist attack; Bush hid in a bunker on some faraway military base”.

4. Dave Barry

It’s obvious that Dave doesn’t like the government. Hilarious as his digs at politicians, the IRS tax code and government-mandated low flush toilets are, I didn’t translate it into being “libertarian” till long after becoming addicted to his columns ;) He not only makes a point, he does it while letting you laugh away your Monday morning blues. He won’t need a speech-writer---that’s for sure… And he’ll inspire laughs without having to say “nucular”

That apart, if Barry makes president, you can be sure of a few things:
There’d be none of those annoying stickers on fruits
Telemarketers will be banned from getting within fifty feet of a telephone
People (or food packagaing) will stop reminding you that the cheese you’re eating contains fat
We sure need to get some of those shackles off.

Favorite Barry quote: “….I began to think about all the government people I knew ... who were theoretically for the common good. Then I realized not one of them was [for the common good]." That led him to his ultimate insight about government: "It's stupid."

3. Trey Parker

When most people want to express a point of view, they do it by screeching on a talk show or writing a blog. Not Trey Parker. When Trey Parker wants to express an opinion, he crafts the most ingeniously colorful (pun unintended) animation, not only getting the point across but also depositing it in a very memorable part of your brain. I never watched cartoons (Simpsons doesn’t count) till I started getting used to watching four foul-mouthed little Colorado boys sounding off on everything from Mel Gibson to Walmart, while waiting for Jon Stewart to come on air. (Aside: Stewart sometimes seems reverent by comparison!) And for once in my life, waiting actually became fun.

Favorite Parker quote: “What we're sick of — and it's getting even worse — is: You either like Michael Moore or you wanna fuckin' go overseas and shoot Iraqis. There can't be a middle ground. Basically, if you think Michael Moore's full of shit, then you are a super-Christian right-wing whatever”.

2. P.J. O’Rourke

He loves fast cars and advocates drugs. In other words, the guy has no restraint : )

Describing O’Rourke as only he can, paraphrasing: He has no ideology, no agenda, no catechism, no dialectic, no plan for humanity. All he has is a belief that people should do what people want to do, unless it causes harm to other people. And that had better be ‘clear and provable’ harm. No nonsense about second-hand smoke or hurtful, insensitive language. He doesn’t know what's good for you. You don't know what's good for him. He doesn’t know what's good for mankind. And he doesn’t want to tell all the people in the world what to do. This is because he believes in freedom.

Favorite O’Rourke quote: “I really think cigar smoking does make you smarter. Or maybe it just makes you sit still long enough to be smart. Or maybe it creates such a big stink that nobody comes around to bother you while you're trying to be smart. Anyway, it works”.

1.Bill Maher

He’ll never make any nomination in this country---he’s too self-assured, too self-confident and far too intelligent….. He’s the Galileo of the day telling people the earth is round, but people are either too stupid or too scared to believe it.
But he’s my top-contender.

Anti-religion, anti-marriage and utterly agnostic, Bill is AS libertarian as can get. Fearlessly pushing political hot-button issues (to the point of getting fired for them) may translate as being iconoclastic to Jesus-loving, bible-ruled Americans; to me he represents the ultimate in political, journalistic and vocal freedom. And if you don’t like what he says on-screen, his life makes a statement for itself—a guy that apathetically does away with feel-good factors like God or a life-partner is most completely his own man!

Favorite Maher Quotes: "We have been the cowards, lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly."

`I'm single and middle-aged, which of course is against the law in America. It means you're evil and wrong and commitment-phobic''