Ok, after a few months of Dubya-inspired hate posts about Sam’s land I decided it’s time to tell the world (I really do live in my tiny little one, don’t I?) one of the things I love about this country, which ironically, is also one of the very reasons for Dubya being where he is...
Americans don’t ask for much. They really don’t. They might want extra cheese on their burgers and super-sized drinks in their value meals, but they sure don’t ask for much from people. 'Just smile when you see me and don’t kill me.'
I was watching the Eckerd saleswoman explain patiently for the fifth time to a fresh-off-the-boat middle-aged desi what “aisle 1” meant and it took me back two decades. I grew up in Delhi for ten years, knowing that we would always be the “Madhraasis” who didn’t say their ‘kaun’s right. (I did belong to the scornful younger generation that wondered how hard it could be to say the “n” without the “u” but my mom and aunt still don’t get it ;)). My point being that while some in the north of that tiny little subcontinent still have issues with some in the south, Americans seem to be able to dismiss the divide of race and ethnicity and color and nationality quite effortlessly by comparison --- well, until you force them to say your 16-letter, tongue-twister of a last name ;) And even there, they try their darndest best.
It’s not hard to be accepted and loved here: you don’t need to have a Caucasian skin tone, you don’t need to be of more than average intelligence, you don’t need to know how to use your forks and knifes right, you don’t need to speak with an American accent, you don’t even need to be understood, all you have to be is “nice”.
My first encounter with the American fad for “niceness” came quite shockingly during an appraisal for a potential candidate for our lab in graduate school. My boss came up to me and said, “What do you think of X? Do you think he’ll be a good addition to the lab?”
As usual I rattled off more than I needed to, and in this case it seemed, totally off the point as well. “I think he’s really smart. He can definitely think and his background in molecular biology seems pretty solid.”
My boss nodded politely and then said, “Sure, but is he nice? Do you think he’ll get along with everyone?”
Is he nice? Is that why I had been chosen to be part of this lab? Because I was nice? For a person that would rather pass off as obnoxious than dim, that sure was not a compliment.
Not to be unfair to Americans, I do think you can do extremely well in this country if you are conscientious and good at what you do; you may not need the light skin tone or the right accent, but “being nice” is an inextricably integral part of it. You’re sooner criticized for being mean and rude than for being incompetent and unintelligent.
The upside is you just have to be yourself. The downside is Dubya can become president. I have an oft-repeated statement that I take a lot of pride in delivering: I’d rather have Cheney be president than Dubya cos he is smart and can pronounce. I understand it is not a popular opinion. I don’t really mean that, of course (then who’d give Maher and Stewart their fodder?), but sometimes you gotta go to such lengths to make a point.
Recently, Jon Stewart said that TO got fired for being a dick. Talented idiot, was his term for him. My problem: I’d rather watch a talented idiot than a nice fool. And that is not a popular opinion in this land of we’ll-excuse-you-for-being-stupid-but-we-can’t-excuse-you-for-being-bad. Reason why people like the conans over the mahers, the lewises over the owens’ and the dubyas over the kerrys.
I’m trying, of course, to pin this on a whole country where it could quite as easily just be me.
I have always been so fascinated with intelligence and talent that I haven’t bothered too much with this thing called character or moral values or whatever it is they are calling it these days. The best evidence to this is while I can safely say that I am a nicer person than I reflect to the world, I am also a stupider person than I reflect to the world (within the bounds of Randianism, of course, which is a mantra I live quite staunchly by).
The truth is I have actually never met a person in this world that I can call a “bad” person. People say I am hyper-judgemental. Sure I am.
That person didn’t know who Kofi Annan was...
This guy has a really strong desi accent...
She doesn’t come off as being very cultured...
I don’t think he has read a book in his entire life...
What I don’t do is judge people on the basis of character. That, I think, is for that elegant piece of fabrication they call Judgement day. All of us, and I repeat, all of us do stuff from time to time that is repulsive, insensitive, ruthless, even callous, but circumstances and impulsive rushes of emotion drive us to them. If people were always given 24 hours and peace of mind to think and go over their impending actions, I don’t think torture would happen, I don’t think man would kill.
In other words, I think it’s fairly easy to be nice. It’s intelligent and wordly-wise and efficient and talented that is hard to be and Americans quite easily hand out a free pass there. All they ask is that you be nice. I wish my need was that little, my request that trivial, my demand that easy.
I wish someday I could look beyond that baseless, superstitious remark, a badly pronounced English word, the inexcusable grammatical mistake or that conventional, close-minded judgement. I’m kidding, of course. I never could. But I’ll continue to applaud Americans that can.
Meanwhile, when I turn around and look in awe at that perfectly perfected yankee accent by a once true-blue desi or ogle at another that can eat his/her medium rare steak in synchronized perfection with a meat-and-potatoes bonafide, my American friends will have to excuse me, as long as I am nice.....
Egotism ....a lifelong romance
Friday, November 11, 2005
Would you rather just be nice?
Posted by Karthika at Friday, November 11, 2005
Labels: An Alien in Sam’s Land
14 comments:
I absolutely and completely have to disagree with you.
Never before (until I came here) have I seen a country which is as hypocritical as the United States of America. They call themselves the most progressive nation on the planet - and YET - they are so unbelievably discriminative, that its well unbelievable.
White people: Black People
North East : The South
California : Rest of the world
I see it all the time. It is not apparent, but to me - if you look beneath the surface you see the hatred, the judgements, the 'moral' issues. Im not sure if you have ever been in a small town in the blessed Midwest. I have.
You go anywhere in the bible belt- and you will feel the rascism. A black person will NEVER EVER be president, or a woman for that matter [Could change in 08].It took until the 21st century for a black actress to win an academy awards.
American born Indian kids feel it every single day of their lives. I have heard firsthand accounts of horror stories - being taunted and teased in school for just being the wrong color, of their parents telling them to never consider a career in business because it would be almost impossible to rise, etc.
The only thing nice about this country is that atleast on the surface, people seem to want to be nice and polite. That certainly counts for something.
Anything beyond that - I would have to think twice, thrice or even four times to even give an inch.
Its really sad that you can only belong if you're a certain color in the "Land of the free".
I forgot to add -the way this country labels people is frightening.
I have never seen people pass judgement on others' sexual orientation based solely on the color of his/her shirt. That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever experienced - EVER.
So much so that Indian moms are absolutely afraid of even dressing their baby boys in pink.
Hey FS, glad to know you’re back from hibernation...I hear that’s what they do in seattle ;) And you’d think the hometown of Starbucks would at least keep its people up...
Anyways, as for the land of the “free”, ironically enough, I completely agree with you. I’d be the first one to come out and say Americans are still battling with the idea of a black/woman president or gay marriage while it has been happening quite easily in other countries.
And I totally understand that a white American has privileges a black/Hispanic/asian will NEVER have.
But I don’t blame you for “disagreeing” cos I realize I didn’t express myself very well. What I am really talking about IS the superficiality.
I am not even dealing with issues like running for office or working for the CDC, I am jus talking about day-to-day life – friendly people that you meet on the street, co-workers that share your interests, those that eat out with you or go to the bar when you are low. Superficial? Hell, yes. But would you rather have people smile at you and say hi and be friends than form a little clique of their own and say we don’t admit people who are a certain color? I would. ONCE you accept that you are never going to be up there cos you will always be a secondary citizen, don’t they make life a little easier for you? So, I am kinda advocating hypocrisy if you will, much as I would have been repelled by the idea a few years ago.
You talk about kids being tormented in school for being of a different nationality and color. I heard about something similar happen to my 3-year old niece and it broke my heart. But can we expect kids in kindergarten and middle school to really understand? And actually that IS the reason I would rather have the hypocrisy.
Partly this post was inspired post-moving back to the northeast where I feel most comfortable as an Indian and have American friends that understand kabuli channa and dandya dancing and love it as much as I do; having been in Colorado for 2 years (yeah I did live in a small red-neck republican town in the wild wild west with a 97% white population) I am liking the effortless dismissal of race and color here in the elite, liberal, i-don’t-care-what-you-look-like-or-where-you-come-from city of philly.
That said, in defense of Americans, I have seen middle-aged, so-called, grown-up Indians in Delhi form clans on the basis of color – within India, among Indians, where everyone is Indian. You would have to be an utopian idealist to expect Americans to accept divides as far wide as nationality, religion and color completely and unconditionally. That won’t happen EVER. I’m just thankful that they try.
I second that argument, Katrix. Heck, I see it everyday at work here, even in the red-neck republican state. In fact, being nice to people and establishing a good relationship amounts to successfully completing 90% of my job (and no, I am not even into customer service and sales). The entire industry I am in thrives on this "nice relationship", whether its superficial or purposeful hardly matters. What really matters is the end result.
Talking of hypocrisy, it's funny, but Indians should be the last ones to say anything about it. You have already given the Delhi example, and I can give hundreds from Pune, and these are not just limited to black/white, rich/poor, north/south, east/west. Moreover, our quota systems are still rampant everywhere - education, sports, politics, professional industries and what not.
Blaming each other (countries) for being hypocritical, is nothing but hypocrisy in itself. That reminds me of a remark Sunil Gavaskar used to make frequently: "When you point a finger at someone, remember that two other fingers are pointing back at you".
And by the way, if India calls itself one of the most developing nations in the 21st century with a booming economy, yet with 60% (correct?) of the population under poverty line, and even the middle-class not being guaranteed with a continous supply of electricity and water and other basic necessities, then the United States has every right to call itself the "Land of the Free".
Make no mistake, my point is not about comparing India and the United States or for that matter downplay or defend the actions of the individual nations, or any others, but the fact that of late, I have noticed that Indians, especially those living in India, seem out to prove a point, trying to find faults with the United States and basking in the thought that India is superior/equal in some aspects...which is not what the case should be.
'In fact, being nice to people and establishing a good relationship amounts to successfully completing 90% of my job'
bang-on-target -- that IS the first thing I noticed in this country (ATM machines and chevy corvettes apart).
you can go a loooong way by just being nice to people. and they dont ever hesitate to reveal that. being "nice" ranks high above race and color and intelligence and competence, at least in my experience.
and it was a surprise to a person that had accomplished cliques "in high places" in india by striving to be enterprising and knowledgable; in india, you are loved when you prove yourself; i am not saying indians dont like a nice person, just that being resourceful and efficient is an essential 'part' of personality. I still feel a sense of awe when someone effortlessly tosses out a historic fact or recounts current affairs like it were his own biography and i do think it has somethin to do with having grown up in a place where you are almost feverishly encouraged to be in the know...
of course i am making a one-sided argument cos i didnt grow up here, but I am only commenting on what i see everyday: he's really really nice, he is sooo helpful, he is a good person (i love the fact that they recognize an individual for jus being nice, but with all due respect that doesnt define him entirely).
as for the india vs US thing, I think every country is hypocritical in its own way; we say we are secular and i do think we are more secular than most, but its not like we can stop swearing on the gita in court. the US says its a land of the free, and arguably, it is more free than most; i cannot think of a single other country where I can do the things i do here as an immigrant, but race/ethnicity will still always be an issue.
steve colbert said yesterday "wont the race issue just go away if we stopped talkin about it?". I used to believe it could, but I highly doubt that it can ever go away completely, and it IS hard to stop talkin about it.
in defense of India, growing up in Delhi was one of the best phases of my life, despite maybe a couple bad experiences; also, I left Delhi 15 years ago and no doubt things have changed since then. 5 years back, when I was in Bombay, I absolutely loved it there cos I can safely say that the issue of being from a different part of the country didnt even figure (unless someone was stupfied about bisi-bela-baath :))
So, no doubt, India is much more progressive now, but I am merely making the point that such divides are far too wide to be easily surmounted, and we have to just live with them...
being "nice" ranks high above race and color and intelligence and competence, at least in my experience.
- Ditto on that. One reason why they stress on "communication and interpersonal skills" out here. They won't mind if you cannot multiply 2 by 2, as long as you honestly accept the fact that you cannot, and work towards it. :)
in india, you are loved when you prove yourself; i am not saying indians dont like a nice person, just that being resourceful and efficient is an essential 'part' of personality
- I agree on that to a certain extent, however we are brought up in such a competitive environment right from our childhood, that there are always high and sometimes unrealistic expectations. But at the risk of blowing our own trumpets, since most of us are so adaptable and tolerant, being "nice" AS WELL AS "intelligent-and-resourceful" is what has made Indians successful in the United States and any other foreign country. :)
i love the fact that they recognize an individual for jus being nice, but with all due respect that doesnt define him entirely
- Ditto again on that. I meet and greet more people everyday thanks to the corporate world, and often I think: "He/She is definitely nice, helpful etc., but is He/She effective enough (to do the job)??". That is the question. :)
I think every country is hypocritical in its own way
- Exactly. I believe it is unfair to say whether Country A is MORE/LESS hypocritical than Country B - we don't have to measure hypocrisy. Also, it's a myth that if the US is a superpower, everything *has* to hunky-dory over here. It's a misconception, and people need to understand that there are issues over here just like any other country.
such divides are far too wide to be easily surmounted, and we have to just live with them...
- Yes, very true. It is easier said than done, and you are right, race/religion/caste issues are here to stay...maybe until machines take over humans, and even then you never know - being a brain-child of man, depends on how it will be programmed. ;)
I'm going to have to disagree again.India definitely has its faults. The reason so many people pick on the Americans, is because they say with a smirk, that they are the greatest nation in the world. India doesn't go around saying that.I believe that as a nation, we are more humble than the Americans - and I can't help but compare.
If it is indeed the greatest nation, then there should be ample evidence to support it. If being the richest translates to the greatest, then maybe I might be inclined to agree.
In India - you have to fight for just about everything. Nothing comes easy- not even a seat on the bus. You have to fight for it. We dont yet have the affluence to say I'll wait, or something like that. Dont get me wrong, I like people being polite to me and I definitely do wonder at the desis who walk around with scowls on their faces. But I realize that there's a reason for everything. Wouldn't you walk around with a scowl if you felt everybody's judging you based on the color of your skin, the clothes you wear, your accent or the car you drive?
Most americans have no clue what the world is like outside of the border.I dont claim to have my finger on the pulse of world events constantly, but I do know a little :-).
In the immortal words of one Pittsburgh Steelers fan "The Pittsburgh - Cincinnati rivalry is probably the GREATEST sports rivalry anywhere in the world"
D-U-H!!!!
Hasn't she ever heard of these two countries called India and Pakistan? OR for that matter England and New Zealand [Rugby], OR Germany and France?
That said..I HAVE learned to be nicer after having lived here for 3 years.
That said -I have also learned to be judgemental of guys in pink shirts, tight jeans or driving Honda CR-Vs.
There's an upside..and then there's the downside.
'I have also learned to be judgemental of guys in pink shirts, tight jeans or driving Honda CR-Vs.'
Got ya !!!!!!!!!!!! *gloats*
I got really mad at a desi customer service rep today cos I had to spell out Philadelphia AND Pennsylvania. Who in their right mind needs to spell out PA?
It’s all relative. If we can be snobbishly Americanized in the few years we’ve been here, it is absolutely unfair to expect Americans to be completely tolerant of different nationalities, esp those that don’t make an attempt to be a roman in rome. We are the aliens and we are the ones that need to adapt as best we can.
I agree with you that the US has the ‘luxury’ to be nice, literally. But that luxury has groomed them to be nice people in general, as in, their niceness doesn’t stop in Colorado and Wyoming where there are empty buses and queue-less POs. People in trains in NY are accommodating, where more often than not, there are five human beings in one square foot of space. That same luxury has groomed us as well. I have begun to enjoy being nice, to the extent that the smile you get in return is worth a little discomfort.
I tried to be that way the last time I was in India but they make it really hard for you. I understand in India we have too many things to worry about to stop and be nice. But I jus feel bad that we have become so attuned to looking at a fellow human being as the enemy that should we reach a level of affluence, we’d still hold on to that attitude and that is really sad, cos the cheerful smile and thank-you really does make life a lot easier.
As for being humble, like it or not, the US does have a lot to be proud of (or HAD, until a certain Dubya remained in Texas where he belonged).
Hi, My name is Sujit and I stumbled upon your blog through atuls.In my office I have gained the reputation of being a straight talker and a straight shooter.My colleauges actually appreciate it and have told me that I do sometimes appear "rough" but once they come to know me I am the wanted member on a prj team since I can get things done.Its like with a desi, you need to warm up to.
Infact we have this discussion on manners and conduct many times and I really do not see the point in saying "Please pass me this document or can you please send xyz an email...." when a quick sentence would do the trick.Moreover these things are superficial and mean nothing when repeated a 100 times a day.Eg: " How are you doing ?" " Well, I dont have an H1,my work auth is expiring my roomies had an car accident and I hate cooking these days !" Think you can help mister???" Oh well I am sorry about that" and off !!.I think hypocrisy is everywhere and not just in the states but when you greet people on the road with a whats up and you dont know who your neighbor is in your apt complex it rankles me no end.
But all said and done you just get used to people smiling and saying nice things about you even though you know that that doesnt really mean much. But I give it to you. You would rather have people saying good rather than bad about you. I think one of the reason is that people need to associate with one another and feel the need to be around one another.In this country often times,people are all alone away from families, in no touch with their parentrs, and I think things like Being nice,even if they might not really mean it provide the much needded moral support. I also agree to the fact that Amrus are most awesome when it comes to accepting people from different colors and religions and beliefs.You can have your own and they will ask you intelligent questions about what you tell them. Nice post and discussion overall
Tats
"I also agree to the fact that Amrus are most awesome when it comes to accepting people from different colors and religions and beliefs.You can have your own and they will ask you intelligent questions about what you tell them"
Here are some very interesting questions I have been asked in the past:
1) You're from India and yet you speak such good English! How's that?
2) So where exactly is India in europe? [I swear i got asked this and the faculty of speech evaded me for a brief second]
3) Does everybody own an elephant?
4) You're not allowed to eat beef (by the government) and yet you eat Steak.How?
The list goes on and on.
I'd say many Americans have got no clue whatsoever about the world beyond their borders. They think Baseball is the most sophisticated sport in teh world, or that football involves the most strategic of plays. [Sure..anybody can stop a game for 40 seconds and discuss the next play]
I know many people- especially europeans who have a big problem with the exaggerated niceties of Americans. This one guy from Lithuania doesn't understand why people who dont know him or arent really interested in his problems are asking him how he's doing. He was like "Well I need to get laid - will you help me out there?"
Lol. Imagine if he'd actually said that.
I have thought about this a lot - Like sujit says, are they really willing to listen to how your day is going so far?
Hey sujit,
believe it or not, i am all for forthrightness and I’d rather have people that matter tell me what they think, to my face, as would I to them.
but when I go buy a coffee or pass a person on the street that I don’t know, I absolutely don’t mind a superficial smile. I did hate the hollow "how are you" when I first came to this country and took a while to get used to it. And yes it takes up a little extra time but that’s what this country is about :) you might need Zoloft cos you are stressed and hard-pressed for time, but nothing so vital to prevent you from saying ‘how do you do’ to that stranger ;) And, it probably helps you lighten up a li'l, so you could cut down on the anti-depressant...
You're right, when you are alone in an alien land and happiness often comes down to that friendly person at the supermarket, i dont care too much about whether it is well-meant or even meant, for that matter. I have learnt to say the “alright” when I am in the lowest of low spirits and the “good” when I am not doing very well.
In defense of Americans, they may not always mean the “how are you” but a lot of times they don’t hesitate to go out of the way to help you out. Most people don’t have a problem with trading a better seat on a flight or letting you get ahead in line, if you have a reason. And I notice with a sense of awe, that they usually do it with a generous smile or a “not a problem” that I do think is hard to fake entirely. And boy, is it infectious! And I quite honestly dont feel fake doin it myself. sometimes, it jus feels nice to be nice, if you can help it.
FS,
It’s funny that I am defending superficiality cos I am actually playing devil’s advocate here. While I love India for its ingenuousness, and couldn’t care two hoots if a store owner in Chennai was rude to me (which he most often is), when I’m in a foreign land and constantly bogged down by a single thought –- am I being treated differently cos of my nationality -- it just makes my life a little easier when I get the same cheerful hello that the Caucasian ahead of me gets. Cos then I can just worry about whether I want guacamole on my burrito.
People here might wonder how you speak good English or eat steak, but can you blame them, when the huge majority of Indians doesn't? the important point is that they are in no greater awe of you bcos you do (while even as a desi, I cant promise that I wouldn’t be).
While my comfort with the English language and cultivated American accent has helped me professionally for obvious reasons, it has won me no favors on the personal front. In my experience, Americans don’t think there is anything wrong with being less than fluent in English, they recognize that it isn’t our first language, so they ask these things as a matter of course. As for the elephants, I am not sure ;) There are a few weird ones (I’ve even heard that some wonder if there are toilets in India), but I don’t think that’s generic. For the most part, I think it stems more from curiosity than scorn.
And while it takes them a while to get used to the blunt (and often rude) tone of asians, once they get used to it, they begin to appreciate it (like sujit notes).
As for them not knowing what happens outside of their country and being uninvolved in anything that’s not bonafide American, I totally second you. And we don’t have to look beyond their high school text books or mainstream media to see why that is.
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