Fitting in -- the paradox

On my way back from work today I stopped at a Starbucks for much-needed coffee and chanced upon a quartet of Indians at a table – and when I say Indians, I mean true blue Indians, complete with the strong desi accent, men with mustaches, women with tight braids et al.

On another day I would have just shaken my head at the inability of Indians to “assimilate” after taking the trouble to travel half way round the globe. Not today however; today I had doubts about my own so-called “fitting in"….

So instead, I felt a pang of envy: they seemed so comfortable in their own skin, without the need to fit in or the urge to be similar to the people around them. I almost wished I could sit down with them and break down my barriers, speak my native language and be understood, and feel comfortable in the recognition that the four faces around me looked like me.

I am a global citizen for the most part, believing more in the consonance of personalities than cultures, have as many international friends as Indian, and often identify better with the more open-minded cultures than my own idol-worshipping one.

I've made no secret of the fact that I love this country and its people, the wonderful, welcoming, melting pot that it is. But no matter how well you assimilate, how much you can relate to or have in common with the denizens of this country, how much you know about their history and culture, there are those days when you realize you’re different because you're of a different race and color, you speak differently, and well, you’re not the same.

Those are the days when you second-guess every nuance in behavior from the people around you, every light-veined repartee, every lack of a proper response.

I thought I left those days behind me after my first year in this country, when I had learned to roll my r’s and soften my t’s, removed the last vestiges of a pronounced Indian accent, perfected the superficial hello and naturalized the native choice of words -- supposedly “adopted the American way.”

But when you look different and talk different you don’t ever leave those days behind – they come back every once in a while, if only to remind you that there is a land two oceans away where you will always fit in, no matter what….